You can crush us, you can bruise us, yes, even shoot us, but oh—not a pie chart!

Byron Gajewski pointed me to this several-years-old article from the Onion, which begins:

According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Statistical Association, somewhere on the planet someone is totally doing it at this very moment.

“Of the 6.7 billion inhabitants of Earth, approximately 3.5 billion have reached sexual maturity,” said Dr. Jerome Carver, a mathematics professor at the University of Chicago and lead author of the study. “From a statistical perspective, it simply stands to reason that at least two of these inhabitants are totally going at it right now. Like, as we speak.”

“But it’s probably way more than that,” Carver added. “Like at least a hundred.”

The multidiscipline study, which tapped leading experts in several fields, including reproduction and population sciences, found overwhelming evidence that there is never even a second when someone is not doing it.

An analysis of the data, based on a new statistical model referred to as “Rauchembauer’s Overlap,” indicates that, given the sheer number of people in the world, by the time the first set of people is done doing it, someone else has already begun getting it on.

In addition, the findings suggest that there is a “good, to very good” chance that someone is doing it close by.

“The nearer you get to major metropolitan areas, the more likely you are to be in proximity to those making it,” said California Institute of Technology probability theorist Howard Bergsson, who contributed to the report. “For example, we’re in Chicago, a city of three million people. Someone is probably doing it right down the street, or maybe even somewhere in this building.”

Very well, done, but . . . (a) please don’t lead a stats story with a quote from a math professor, and (b) was this really necessary:

report_jump3_0_jpg_600x1000_q85

Area newspaper mocks statistics, indeed.

18 thoughts on “You can crush us, you can bruise us, yes, even shoot us, but oh—not a pie chart!

  1. Reminds me about a seminar at the Toronto Semiotic Circle back in the eighties – why do humans hide when they engage in sexual activities? The safest place would be in the presence of everyone else e.g. they could warn you of approaching predictors. Well I have this wonderful theory …

      • No need to worry Corey, I believe they summer in Italy.

        But the typo reminded me of the theory – its to prevent spontaneous doing it.

        Humans who see humans doing it almost can’t help wanting to do it – so little productive work would get done.

        A variation on Heisenberg/de Sassure uncertainty in that pointing it out makes it more certain – some who read this comment will more likely …

  2. ? isn’t the onion just satire ?
    And the whole thing not just made up.

    I assume you know. So it bothers you that a satirical made up article on stats quotes a fictitional math professor and presents a pie chart?

  3. The Daily Show or Colbert a few years back dId something similar after the CDC released a report on teen sex. Their pie chart had two thirds of teens thinking about having sex, a little less than a third having had sex and 3% thinking about becoming CDC statisticians (something to that effect).

    Still cracks me up.

  4. I’m totally doing some pie charts for a paper right now, as I’m sure whatever research has shown they’re misleading is probably as flawed as the rest of it. Just let AG (the other one) run over it.

  5. My favorite pie chart ever was pre-Internet. The Harvard Lampoon put out a USA Today parody. Every section had a pie chart. In the Life section it was, “How Much Pie Do We Eat?” Turned out 33% ate a third of a pie, 25% ate a quarter of a pie, etc. Delightfully stupid.

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